Talk: The First Conversation - A Roadmap

In my last post I interdicted the idea of a ‘First Conversation’ that creates a plan or a roadmap for action. I also showed you a simpler/lighter approach to this first conversation. But sometimes, the situation needs more work, deeper planning. Where VUCA* exists in your current calamitous family environment, you may need s stronger process to navigate the issues and plan the route ahead. VUCA stands for volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous - a great description of our current world.

Needless to say, no matter which way you do it, this is your most significant conversation, The aim is to acknowledge the difficulties (current and anticipated) and to design some solutions and conventions. Note also, you should anticipate this seminal conversation with a conversation only between the parents. I mentioned this in the previous post too:

Helpful things for this ‘ground zero’ conversation:

• Acknowledge that this might be a new thing for both of you

• Give yourselves, both of you, the permission to have the wheels fall off as you learn

• Decide on your reset strategy when the learning stretch becomes too much

• Decide on the framing issue - what do we want to focus on to learn and improve?

So onto this opening planning conversation with the family.

Depending on the ages and personalities of kids involved, this could be s simple as a round-table, using the questions below as triggers to thinking. Or it could be more structured.  Success will also depend on the existing ‘culture of conversation’ in your family, along with any pre-existing or unresolved problems or issues. 

Put simply, you need to make sure all voices are heard. Given that this is likely to be a unique and novel experience for you and your family, the suggested conversation structure, below, might help you start to feel you way into this sort of discussion. For those of you who are teachers, you’ll recognise this, it is based on the Think-Share-Pair protocol.

• Use the trigger questions below to focus thinking and emotions into a helpful context

• Have each person think for a moment, maybe jot down a few thoughts. 

• For families of three, simply share the thoughts and feelings back to the group

• For larger groups, split into groups of two or three, share your thoughts with your group partners

• Come back to your family group (if you split into groups in step 4) and see how your sharing compares - what was the same, what was different?

The First Conversation Process:

The broad stages of the First Conversation are:

1. Current reality

2. Needs and conditions

3. Forward concerns

4. Ways of working together

5. What do we commit to trying?

Current reality

• What is worrying me? [In the outside world or within the home]

• What are my main feelings at the moment?

• What is difficult to manage or hard to do now? [In the home]

• Is there anything that is better?

Needs and conditions

• Generally, what needs do I have? [E.g. work, school, space, acknowledgement, hugs/reassurance, exercise, play, relaxation]

• Think about when I am at my best doing the work I need to do. What are the things that I need to be at my best? [E.g a timetable or structured times, quiet, space]

• What things get in the way of being at my best? [E.g technology, an untidy house, toys on the floor, noisy play]

• What distracts me the most?

Forward concerns

• What are the things that I have to get done? [Things that you don’t have a choice or option, e.g. online work meetings, online course work

• What will we have to work hard to maintain? [E.g. tidy house, fun, good humour or moods]

• How can we manage technology so that we stay on task when we need to?

• What do we already know about how our family works that we should consider or manage?

Ways or woking together

• Thinking about all of the previous answers, what attitudes and behaviours should we try for?

• How do we organise our working spaces?

• How do we organise the time we work?

• What can we be doing to help each other and contribute? (Service)

• What do we do when quiet time is needed [E.g. when mum is on an online meeting]

• What can we do to make the house a good place to live and work?

• What do we do when we have conflict or arguments?

• What should we never give up as a family?

• What should we not tolerate as a family?

• What should we try to improve as a family?

• How do we manage technology to stay on task and to maintain access? [E.g. streaming or downloads during online meetings might be an issue]

• What will be our working and relaxation times? [It will probably be helpful to have a structure of timing, a timetable]

• How and when do we celebrate our effort and progress?

• How do we check in on how we are going [Suggested weekly catchups - review and set up the forward week]

• What do we agree to?

This last one is the key: “What do we agree to try?”. This leads you towards the action, the behaviours in the Do Phase.

Now you might notice some questions in italics. In reality, I have over-supplied you with questions here - use the questions that seem to fit your context and need. The italicised questions are ones I consider essential to ask.

Remember, try not to find clarity before you take action (where action includes having this first conversation). Clarity always, always follows action.