From Calamity to Sanity: The superpower hiding in mistakes

In writing this I’m recalling some of the famous recent Zoom mistakes people have made, especially in forgetting that their device has camera.

Mistakes and unwanted outcomes are a part of life. Yet, it strikes me that we are as averse to getting it wrong as we are to conflict. Recently, I wrote a post that positioned conflict as creative or corrosive, depending on the mindset approach. Similarly. mistakes can lead to either futility or fertility. No, not that sort of mistake, nor that form of fertility. I’m referring to fertile learning as opposed the the futility of staying stuck.

As it turns out. there are some significant mindset approaches to mistakes that can make a big difference to culture, whenever it be team, organisational or family culture. In my early exploration of this idea, I have found five key success mindsets that shift mistake-making from futility to fertility.

Attitude

The first differentiator between futility and fertility is the tolerance to mistakes. The futile mindset has low tolerance to any mistake, while the fertile mindset is open to mistakes happening. The fertile mindset has low tolerance, instead, to making the same mistake many times. The trick here is to allow the space for mistakes, and learning from mistakes - permission.

“Don't be afraid to make mistakes. But if you do, make new ones. Life is too short to make the wrong choice twice.” 
― Joyce Rachelle

Response

Once a mistake is made, we can choose one of two responses. Admonishment and reprimand, or acknowledgement. In reality, there may by a combination of both, but the fertile mindset is biased towards observation, moves very quickly from any reprimand to “it is what it is…”.

Action

The followup to the initial response to a mistake also differentiate between a futility or fertility mindset. Futile mindsets demand (especially for an apology) and command, while people coming from a fertile mindset connects (empathy) and redirects. The mistake-maker will already likely be in some sort of neurological threat state, and learning will be hindered. Connect and redirect allows the learning architecture in the brain to be better engaged.

Focus

Attentional and language focus further reinforces the two different mindsets. Those with a futile mindset are focused on the person, and their resulting language is censuring in nature. People operating from a fertile mindset will separate person from behaviour or action, and will give feedback on the behaviour or action only. Instead of “You idiot…”, we get “Well that wasn’t your best decision…”.

Orientation

There is nothing worse than having people around us that stay stuck in problem. Even worse if they bring up our mistake history: “You’re always messing up!”. People who help us navigate through and learn from our mistakes take a different approach. They move quickly to a future orientation, focussing not on history but on possible solutions. The best of these people help us create learning through our own clarity and insight from the mistake. This last approach can be summarised largely by Tell versus Ask.

Brain States

As hinted in the words above, most of us are already in some sort of negative mind state when we make a mistake. This will be activating our threat and survival brain, which largely keeps us in the pain of the mistake and prevents learning or change. I’ve written extensively on the SCARF model -Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness. Making mistakes can trigger most of these elements, and a futile mindset will provoke the remainder.

The role of the ‘leader’ in the management of someone else’s mistake is to minimise the Red Brain, and to encourage the Blue. In our Blue-brain mind state we can acknowledge emotion, accept the situation, gain insight and plan future action - all necessary steps to make the most of the mistake opportunity. And by leader, I mean parent, teacher or leader of teams in organisations.

Many new mistakes made quickly will lead to rapid learning, something the best teams and families have been doing during this change-rich time of a deep world pandemic.