I love the work of Destin Sandlin, the YouTube star that runs the Smarter Every Day channel. If there is one video of his that you should watch, its #133 - The Backwards Brain Bicycle. This illuminating video on learning and unlearning illustrates a key feature of this freeze-unfreeze-refreeze process of improvement: reflection and feedback.

In fact, riding a bike relies on constant feedback through the steering. As you are riding, your brain, balance system, arms and body are constantly adjusting to the inbound feedback to maintain a stable ride and steer in the desired direction. Without this operational feedback, riding a bike would be a short-lived affair.

So Destin tries a bike with counter-intuitive steering. In his case, the operational and learning feedback is immediate and physical. Trying to ride a bike that has the steering working in reverse throws you off many times. Yet, during the video (and beyond) he reflects on this learning struggle many times, further deepening the meaning he is making of this challenge. Watch his three learning reflections from about 6m40s into the video, where he starts with “What I’ve learnt is…”. Four very powerful words.

The analogy I am building here is that Destin’s struggle with a backwards bike is akin to your struggle in rewiring your approach to conversations. Implicit in the challenge of changing your approach to the way you say things (especially during conflict) is that change will not happen without feedback and reflection. Yes, the ride might be short in the beginning. It might even feel unstable or unwieldy for a while. But with the repeated cycle of feedback (observations or data) and reflection (making meaning of the observations or data), the ride becomes smoother and longer. At some stage you will realise, like Destin, that you now cannot easily return to your old linguistic habits.

So here are five questions that are super easy to remember, and that give you this feedback-reflection cycle.

I first learnt these questions when learning to coach with Dr David Rock, and the power in these simple questions sits with their cyclic nature. The fifth question, “What next?” gives you the content, after you take action, to start again at “What happened?” in the next cycle of learning. Each time you ‘rinse and repeat’ your brain wires a little more of your new habit. Neuroscience suggests that it takes 6-12 weeks for your new actions to become relatively permanent.

So as you explore new ways of working and being as a family, make sure you take time to observe and reflect. Unlike Destin, who rues not being able to ride a ‘normal’ bike, your new reality will give you the reward of making a real difference.