Yesterday I wrote about the calamity roller coaster. The ride you take from ‘detente’ (don’t mention the war) to seemingly out of control argument. As it turns out, one factor in this unpredictable ride is the language you use.

We all have word and phrase habits - the things we often repeat. These habits will be powerfully contributing to the ‘culture’ of your relationships, especially between you and your spouse/partner, and your kids. Maybe even your work relationships. Hidden in the language you use will be triggers that either calm or escalate unwanted emotions. Conflict can thus be either creative or corrosive.

But let’s take a step back from the words you use and take a look at your intent. When we say stuff like “You never help me tidy up!” there are likely to be two purposes. You may just want to vent, in which case the purpose just for you. You may also genuinely want to give some feedback - you want to improve the situation in some way. My take is that you should be clear on your intent, your purpose before you launch. If it is just a case of offloading, then increase certainty (remember SCARF?) by saying “I just need to vent here…”.

When your intent is truly about remedy, there are some ways of speaking that can hinder your goal, and other words that can help.

Consider these two statements:

“You never help me clean up after dinner!”

“You always argue back when I tell you something I see!”

When ever you present an observation as absolute, the immediate thought in the other brain is to recall evidence that refutes your claim.

“But I helped you last week!”

“No I don’t!”

The words never and always nearly always start your conversation on an adversarial journey. More importantly, if the purpose was to land some feedback towards some sort of improvement, then these two words have failed you miserably.

You should especially keep an eye out for “but” as the first word in their response. This is the canary in the coal mine that lets you know that you have triggered some form of threat, and that your feedback has not landed. ‘But’ usually follows ‘always’ or ‘never’, and the roller coaster is on the downhill run.

So try this

Replace “You never help when I need it!” with “What I notice is that you don’t often help me when things get a little crazy.”  Follow this with “What are your thoughts?” 

Rather than being a silver bullet any argument, this approach will significantly increase the chances that you have a better conversation, that you avoid open conflict and that you might even get some improvement. This comes directly from my conversation toolkit, a guide for what to say when things are tough.

The key is to phrase your statement as an observation, not an accusation.

“What I notice” starts the observation, and the qualifying words of often, sometimes, rarely tend not to trigger a red brain in the other.

“What are your thoughts” invites consideration, increasing the chance that your feedback lands.

As you begin to rewire your phrase habits, you can add some other powerful statements to further improve the impact of your words .

“What I notice is that you don’t often help me when things get a little crazy, and the effect on me is that I am super tired when we go to bed…”

Framing the conversation with an emotion call-out is a way of acknowledging and diluting emotions that are present, emotions that could tip the cart:

“I’m a bit anxious saying this, I know how stressed we all are. Yet, I feel I have to say something. Would this be ok?”

The last four words above build reciprocity and buy-in. You have given the vulnerability of the other person refusing your request, giving them autonomy. This extra sentence will increase the chances of your message landing up another notch.

My purpose today has been to reveal the effect, and the possible damage, that the oft-used words never and always have on conversation culture. Changing up your language habits can have a profound impact on the roller coaster that is family life.

To see more on how to better conversations, send me an email or visit my website for a white paper/guide on the language and approach above.