From Calamity to Sanity Post Series: Your search for gold
The Search For Gold
So here’s my next metaphor. Take a moment to think about searching for gold. Most successful gold miners or prospectors take a systematic approach. They have a broad system that they use, supported by helpful tools and processes. Without this systematic approach, prospectors will jump haphazardly between different methods and tools. Planning is absent, action taken is sporadic and variable, and measuring success is absent. Successful gold miners use a system (panning, detecting and large-scale washing), they use processes to support the system and use appropriate tools to support the processes.
When it comes to parenting, we often resort to the ‘methods’ we experienced as a child. We certainly don’t take a systematic approach, and we often find ourselves doing all the hard work. It’s like mining for gold haphazardly using out-dated tools focused on anything other than pay-dirt.
I’m suggesting to you that these elements - processes and tools organised into a system- comprise a secret of family success at any time, let alone difficult situations. There is one other group of adults that consistently work with kids on a regular basis, and good teachers use a variety of systems, processes and tools to help with every aspect of their role.
Good teachers use behaviour management systems to do the heavy lifting of maintaining a good learning environment. Teachers also use a range of tools and processes to foster learning itself. Some of these can translate to the home environment and take quite a bit of the ‘manual labour’ load. Some of these will be covered in later posts, but to trigger some thinking, here is one classic system that just works.
Have a behaviour plan
Managing classrooms can be very much like herding cats. When you pay attention to one child’s unwanted behaviour, two or three others start to ‘kick off’ behind you. This can lead to nightmare classes where the ruling culture is chaos.
Dr Bill Rogers first introduced me to the idea of a behaviour plan back in the early 90s, and as a teacher and parent, it has stayed with me ever since. He has a great book, called You Know The Fair Rule that goes into the necessary detail for you. In essence, it goes like this.
Start with a known set of ‘rules’ or expectations, clear lines in the sand that help kids differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable. These need to be clear enough in their language for even toddlers to understand. Ideally, with older children, these should be a negotiated set of rules or principles. ‘Rules’ should also be framed as desired or aspirational behaviours, such as “Keep hands to yourself when we are in the car.” rather than “Don’ touch your brother when we are in the car.”
Use a stepped series of responses to levels of misbehaviour. Try to dissect the unwanted behaviours in your home into four levels, starting with the extremes. What is the lowest level of ‘misbehaviour’ you see, and what is the highest?
Level 1 problems: The rule is being tested, but in reality not sufficient for a response from you. This is the time to wait and ignore. Bill Rogers calls this Tactically Ignoring the Behaviour (TIB). This tactic will result in two likely outcomes: (a) the behaviour desists (in which case you have saved a whole heap of effort) or (b) it escalates in some way to Level 2.
Level 2 problems: Gentle and repetitive reminders are the key here. “Jimmy - what is our rule about hands to ourselves?” or “Remember our rule about hands to ourselves?”. You will probably get a “distractor response” - a common tactic by kids to keep control of the conflict: “But Kyle it me first!”. Just calmly keep repeating the rule as above, until they give up. This saves you heaps of emotional effort trying to sort out their logic. This approach also works well for requests: “Jimmy, time to pack up the game and get ready for bed.” When he responds with “I just want to finish this level…”, just repeat the request. He will try to distract you with a range of responses - just keep calmly repeating the request.
Level 3 problems: When you don’t get the response to the rule or your request, move to the choice stage. “Jimmy - you have a choice now. Either put the iPad down and get ready for bed, or I switch off games for a week.” Again, calmly repeat this choice if you get distractor responses. Be prepared to carry out the ‘or’ part of your statement. This is where you have to hold fast. If you get compliance, all well and good. If you don’t get compliance, carry out the consequence and move to level 4.
Level 4 problems: You should only use this part of your plan when all else fails. If you find yourself here too often, then perhaps your strategies at levels 1-3 have not been been planned well or carried out consistently. Level 4 requires you to apply a consequence that has the most impact. Used too often, this impact will weaken. You also still need something here that is possible for you to do, and that you are prepared to do if needed. Every child is different, and knowing what has the biggest impact is key here. William, my stepson, and I often play Asphalt 8 on the Apple TV together. He also comes jogging with me most days. Both of these things are privileges that he loves. These, then become the level 4 consequence, and he hates losing these.
This ‘system’ works well most of the time, and saves quite a deal of emotional and cognitive effort. When it breaks down, just get through the ‘crisis’, and after the situation has settled, revisit and revise your plan. Work with your partner/spouse, and with the kids, if they are old enough. With a few iterations, you will end up with a powerful tool for keeping sanity in your home for longer than you might have dreamed.
A few final tips on this system:
Discuss and plan together if you can
Definitely share the plan, and how it will work, with your kids
Be consistent with what your stated consequences, especially by supporting your spouse/partner with declared consequences (inconsistency will kill this system)
As above, be prepared to update/upgrade your plan as you lean how to execute it
Use other tools (e.g. the Above the Line tool here) to support better choices when you get to Level 3
You can use visuals with younger kids to show them which level they are on - a coloured chart showing green, yellow, orange and red for the four stages further reduces the load on you…
This is but one example of a system that does the heavy lifting for you. You may not need a four-level system like this, but doe something that is consistent and predictable. It will help your kids make sense of the world that is your family, and it will certainly reduce the calamity in your home.
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