I have written previously about systems, processes and tools, and clearly, I’m a fan. We use them in so many situations to make life easier, more predictable and consistent. Except, it seems, in families. This post is really about simple yet central system that can help make sense of the chaos.. Thinking back to our gold mining metaphor, the system there is to mine, separate and purify. Dig the dirt, find and extract the gold and refine it to its purest form.

Here, our system also comprises three stages: Talk, Do, Celebrate. Each plays a crucial part in an iterative cycle of getting better at the ‘game’ of family. This is a bit like a trek through a difficult rainforest - you need forge a path, yet at times you need to stop and check that you are heading in the right direction. Then, arriving at destinations, and depending on the effort, progress and achievement is celebrated.

The Three Steps of the System

Brains are complex, hence people are complex. And now our world, in only weeks, has been turned on its head. We are truly living out VUCA lives - volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous. No simple solution can address such a situation, yet a strategy with a series of steps can help. Hence this system. Now it is not an earth-shattering innovation - just three simple phases that are rarely applied to family relationships and issues.

The design heres to start with conversation, the Talk phase. Good conversation that matters and that has impact. Once you have these new conversations in your repertoire you can get into the action of creating ways of working that better help everyone.  Talk applies to two key times that are often missed or ignored: Before action is taken, and after action is taken. Planning and refection.

When it comes to relationships, especially parenting and managing a family unit, I rarely see the adults sitting down to plan how to approach certain situations. Even more rare is the follow-up reflection on “how did that go?” and “what did we learn?”. Without these two Talk stages, we are doomed to always doing what we have always done.

Then, in the Do phase, conventions and processes can help do a lot of the heaving lifting for you. I wrote in the previous post, for example, about one behaviour management system that can take a lot of the emotional effort and pain out of managing kids. As you gain experience and expertise in using different tools and processes, you will begin to adapt and tailor these to fit your circumstances and the personalities involved.

As you progress, Celebrate is the remaining ‘cog’ in the system. Celebration is a significant part of the system. Surprisingly, there should always be something to celebrate. Even if, on your first few attempts the wheels fall off, the simple effort of attempting to improve and learn should be acknowledged. ‘Micro’ celebrations are an integral part of iterative improvement. Even small gains, when you are deep in the mire of forging your way towards sanity, need to be noted. A small fist pump, “well done” (including why it was well done) and (e.g.) ticks on a monitoring chart all help the brain strengthen the new neural circuits that you are all trying.

I’ll be writing more about each of these three phases and how they can help bring you some decent sanity. As you apply this system over time, as you progress into sanity, you will learn a great deal about your family and yourself. Especially around the conditions that you need for you (individually and collectively) to not just survive, but to thrive.